7 Alternatives to Google Firing Mr. James Damore

A white man lost his job this week after saying something stupid and predictably controversial, and the Internet lost its shit. How could Google fire a man for speaking his mind? It’s almost as if we all forgot that for most of us in the real world (read: outside Sillicon Valley pseudo utopic mindset), saying a stupid thing is very likely to get you fired. It’s probably the #1 cause of people getting fired, followed by, I dunno, doing drugs at work? I don’t really know, because everyone I know who’s been fired (as opposed to laid off) was fired, at least in part, for saying some stupid things.

So, in the spirit of reconcialiation, here are some alternatives Google should consider for next time:

  1. Openly and publically call one of your employees a sexist misogynist, put him on unpaid leave for a bit, and then move on as if nothing happened. I’m sure no one would treat him any differently and he wouldn’t have any problems working with or reporting to females in the future.

  2. Collectively stop sitting with him at the cafeteria. It’s not technically harassment, because it’s more like an absence of attention. This could not backfire in any way.

  3. What if Alphabet started Google 2 and moved everyone who wasn’t named James Damore to the new company, along with all of its assets? It’d be like the ultimate “No Homers” club, presuming they have at least one other James Damore on staff. James would get to pretend he got one heck of a promotion, and no one would ever have to talk to him again.

  4. Put him on an all-female team of developers. Start placing bets like it was a game of Survivor.

  5. Wage total psychological warfare by modifying every search result he ever looks up to slowly convince him that he is, in fact, a woman, no matter what his past experiences have told him. Eventually the cognitive dissonance would drive him mad, and he’d leave of his own accord.

  6. Promote him to a super secret R&D lab of one. Patent everything he ever does, but never ever let any of it go into production.

  7. Change his ringtone to “Damn it Jim! You’re an engineer, not a biologist.”

Written on August 10, 2017